Anti-viral get well soon soup:
Peel a head of garlic and simmer it 90-120 minutes until it is sweet. This makes a fantastic broth that can be eaten as is for folks that are really ailing or used a a soup stock. It only vaguely tastes like garlic and is really actually sweet. Add potatoes, carrots, sage,rosemary, tvp, tomato sauce, chili powder and simmer 20 minutes. Add a can of black beans, some chopped tomatoes and hot peppers if you feel up for it. Simmer for 10ish minutes. I ate it with some tortillas fried in coconut oil, which has immune boosting properties.

Mystery ailment  viral infection tea:
thyme, lemon balm, rosemary, sage, pau d'arco with a bit of left over borage. Add honey. Also is great if you add brandy, lemon and some extra hot water for a hot toddy variation. The rosemary and sage aren't specifically anti-viral but they taste good with thyme and are powerfully anti-bacterial. The borage isn't specifically anti-viral either but it's good for the adrenals and my neck endocrine glands are so swollen it's painful so maybe the borage will help.

When I woke up it felt obvious to me that I had some sort of viral infection symptoms. I prayed that it wasn't mono and when I checked my throat I had white spots like strep! The advice nurse said that there's some viral thing going around but they can't know for sure until they swab my throat at the rate of $50 co-pay. Since it's really obviously viral, and there's nothing the doctor can do except take my money, swab my throat and tell me there's nothing they can do, I'm opting to just stay home and treat it myself.

Ways to keep busy while sick:
Layout for painting Vincent's harpsichord soundboard. It's totally bizarre that I'm getting into 16-17th C. decorative painting since I'm very 20th C and very much a sculptor, but I do have some painting and drawing skill. I was always good at copying historical drawings. The man says that painting harpsichord soundboards could be a big business. He's the one with the MBA and MFA in this stuff so I'm going to give it a go. I will most likely need to do some official business forming work because if I'm going to take other people's expensive instruments into my home I want insurance.

I have been feeling so incredibly well recently that I almost don't recognize myself. I have so much energy if I pace myself properly and almost no pain. I did end up with carpal tunnel that put all my joints up to my neck out of order for a week or so, but I saw a very nice new chiropractor last night that set me right. This morning I felt so well that I left out of bed and went and hiked for longer than I've hiked in a long time. Chabot park is amazing. You get amazing views of the hills, the city and the Bay. I saw what I think was a golden eagle checking me out, two ravens circling around together and a pretty little blue scrub jay. It was such a pleasant walk. The park also has a shooting range so there was the constant background noise of gun fire, but otherwise wonderful!

The most shocking thing of all was the fact that I was out of bed and hiking before noon. I have no idea what's possessed me but I hope it stays because this is totally unheard of. I haven't been able to do something like that in YEARS. I think the last time I felt well enough to go hiking in the morning was at least ten years ago. If I keep feeling this well I'll be out with the mummers singing up the sun at dawn on the Solstice.

I've seen the stills and hype around this movie for years but I only watched it for the first time last night, and BIG disappointment! I was expecting the movie to be about Lola Lola, Dietrich's character, but instead it was all about the professor and was told entirely from the man's point of view. I'm trying to reference other movies from that era and other Dietrich/vonSternberg films in order to better understand this film. The ones that come to mind are The Devil is a Woman, Dietrich and von Sternberg's last film working together also about a performer that ruins men, and Sadie McKee, a Crawford Depression-era film about a showgirl that marries a rich man for money.

Women that ruin men seems to be a common theme for early 20th century films. It's a little hard to get my brain around that idea, mostly because I tried so hard to be cold and cruel and ruin men when I was younger, but I totally failed! It's an outdated cultural artifact that still existed when I learned about gender relations growing up in Indiana, but if it works at all it certainly didn't work to my benefit and if any men were actually hurt it's probably their own fault. I just have no sympathy for the professor that gets ruined in this film.

Women who marry men for money during the Great Depression is another common theme in film, and Sadie McKee is an example of a woman using that strategy to get out of poverty and the showgirl job. At first I thought that was what Lola Lola was doing. She laughs when the professor asks her to marry him, but then she supports him financially and gets him to join the cabaret. She doesn't even benefit from the prestige of marrying a professor because she brings his status down so quickly. In fact none of the characters in the cabaret seem to care or notice the social status of the professor because none of them care about or understand why he's so humiliated to be with the cabaret.

I don't really understand why Lola Lola does anything in this movie. As a female viewer I would like to identify with the female characters, but there's so little character written into the part of Lola Lola. The only thing that I get off of her is apathy. I'm not even sure if she enjoys being a cabaret star. She doesn't complain about it, but she doesn't seem to care about much else. She doesn't seem to do much else either. Lola Lola isn't really a person outside of her cabaret character. That could explain the professor's downfall if he only saw her as her cabaret character, but you would figure that when you marry someone you get to know them outside of their job and not hang around four years before you notice the person's veneer falling away. It's not like he married her to save her from a life of vice in the cabaret, he seems to marry her because he's just that infatuated.

Dietrich does really well with what's she's given in this role, and she sounds so much better speaking German than English, but this whole movie is about the man and his perspective. I still don't totally understand how the professor could become so infatuated that he would give up everything to join the cabaret, but this film was made in 1930 and there's something I'm just missing because I'm so far from that time and place. The 1920's were a time of women in the Western world emerging and claiming their power. It was a sexual revolution for women and a time of greater liberation. This whole movie must be about men's fear of women's new found power. Lola Lola is not a stereotypical Victorian woman who knows her place and function in society. Women in the 1920's started entering men's social realms, earning more money working outside of the home, and formerly underground entertainment started coming into popular culture. Germany didn't have Prohibition like we did in the US, but they did have the rich arts and culture of Weimar era. It appears that this movie was made between the time of the US stock market crash and when the Depression hit Germany, and depicted the time of the height of the Weimar culture, so this film definitely marks the end of an era.

I have to say, I really love my two seasons. I don't care about pretty fall leaves or pretty snow as long as I get my gorgeous rainy winter days. I've been sort of getting into the Elusis/Persephone/Demeter thing because they were working on the same two season system, and life comes back to the land this time of year when it starts raining again. It also means no more allergies for me. It's become entirely obvious that I am allergic to something that they're stirring up in a very specific area of construction. When I see them working on one area of the freeway I get terrible allergies. When they work on a different section it's not too bad. Roommate has suggested that I call the health department to make a report of some type.

I've been struggling with more of the usual kind of stuff, but it looks like business is picking up for me this month at least. I started running. I'm doing the couch to 5k program. One of my friends just got the Guinness record for fattest man to complete a marathon. He's 400+ lbs, so if he can do it surely I can too. I managed to see him last night for a drink as I was leaving Santa Rosa, and he showed me his medal and talked about the whole thing. First time I've seen him in at least two years! I'm so glad we got back in touch. I did my first virtual race, where we all run by ourselves and then post our times and distances together online. Since it was my first I only did the 1 mile race just to see how well I could do. It was a 30 minute mile, but it was a mile! I need to sign up to do a 5k virtual race now. Chris is doing a half marathon in December. I want to be able to run with him one day but December is way too soon. I'm going at the 5k program extra slowly because my body needs more recovery time. I hope that if I keep up with the training program I'll be able to eventually eliminate the fibro flare after running days.

Great thing about being a grown up #3: You get invited to a 1939 themed party and you just have to open the closet door to find an appropriate dress and jewelry. I don't have the most perfect period appropriate lingerie, shoes or handbag, but I do have the right stockings and makeup. It was a really nice party too. Most everyone was in vintage but everyone else had modern clothes in the appropriate period style. I like getting out a lot, but honestly I'm having a bit of an identity thing that makes it weird for me. I've been trying to bring out the old party kid in me and live life like it was 10 years ago. When I got sick I lost that part of myself, and it was a really important part of my identity. Now I'm trying to think and act like that again, but it feels weird and awkward. Even physically, I don't move the same, my body works differently. Not to mention the very different shape I'm in. I went to hang out with a friend that is quite a bit younger and has a house full of just turned 21 friends, and I can totally pretend to relate to them in my head but my body just can't take the lack of sleep and non-stop going. Not sure if I actually want to be my younger party identity again. Not sure if my body can handle it. I regret that I got sick and lost a decade of my life.

Today I had a wonderful time at the tattoo parlor and art gallery. The art they have up right now is very psychedelic, visionary and esoteric, which is almost exactly like the art that I make. I'm not big on making psychedelic art, mostly because I'm a sculptor not a painter, but it was really moving and inspirational. That gallery always is moving and inspirational. I had a nice long chat with my tattoo artist, that I love dearly, about art and the myth of talent and what it really takes to make it in the art world. He also said that he had another guy come in and get cover up work done on a tattoo from the same shop that did my tattoo from hell. My tattoo looks a whole lot nicer now, but it still has massive scar tissue that itches a lot.

The allergies are back with a vengeance. I have no clue what is happening but I only get allergies when I'm in the city and not when I'm out hiking or camping. I suspect that it has something to do with the construction behind my house. Something was definitely stirred up. First there was this overpowering scent of jasmine that would waft in through one window. It's sort of an odd time of year for jasmine to be blooming, and in wandering around the lot and peering over fences I can't find any flowering jasmine. There's some flowering thing that is definitely not jasmine, but there must be some hidden something somewhere that was drifting in through the window. Now, like a week later, the allergies are back and nothing is helping. I'm taking really excessive amounts of nettle, which had been the only thing that helped but now doesn't. I've resorted to taking cold medicine so that at least I'm not awake all night sneezing and unable to breathe. I'm really disappointed in... I don't know but something about my body or the environment clearly isn't working. I'm still waiting on my new health insurance to get finalized. I'm covered in case of emergency, but it's a long story. I would really like to find a new doctor that can maybe actually do something for me. I've been seeing a naturopathic doctor for my digestive issues, but it will be three weeks before I see her again and I need allergy help now. I guess I need to eat more local honey? I fail at vegan.

I also really really need to work in the garden but I'm scared of allergies. I think I might actually be getting brussels sprouts, but I'm not sure if they're edible or when to harvest. They're all purple and tiny. I'm not sure if they're going to get bigger. In fact I had no clue what the plant would look like or how it would grow. I knew that brussel sprouts grew on a stalk, but I expected the stalk to come out the top or the plant. Instead they're on the main stalk at the bottom of the plant. All the leaves were falling off the plant and I thought for sure it had killed it, but then the sprouts came out where the leaves fell off so I guess that's normal. I think I"m going to call grandma and see if she ever grew brussels sprouts. I need to repot the lemon balm and start seeds for herbs, kale and more brussels. Now that I know what soil, sunlight and pest conditions are like I will be able to do a better job next year and maybe actually get some crops out of my garden.

I've been anxious about a camping trip that I agreed to go on. I just can't say no to my herb teacher, and if he can camp with all his disabilities surely I can too. I've been wanting to go hiking, walk in the woods, see the stars and have a vacation so here's my opportunity. I'm still incredibly anxious about it, but at least now I own camping equipment! I was going to borrow herb teacher's spare camping equipment, but I mentioned it to Lash and he insisted on buying me everything. He seemed really excited to pick out camping equipment for me. He hasn't been camping since he was young, and I had no idea he would get so exited about it. So I now own a tent, sleeping bag, air mattress, lantern, big knife, and a flint fire thing. I am so excited. Now I can just pick up and go any time I just need a cheap get away. I can go to events at Stone City, I can go to that Otherkin event, and I think you can stay at Harbin for cheap if you camp. I'll be able to do more hiking and wildcrafting. If I had known how happy camping equipment would make me I would have bought it long ago!

*I still hate FB*
Today I picked up a copy of a book that I had placed on hold at the library months ago and totally forgot about, Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person, and I am so happy! It came at a perfect time. I just picked it up this morning. I've been having a hide in bed kind of day because I'm exhausted from having to deal with a rather demanding and micromanaging situation. I felt terrible but I just had to get out and walk. I wandered down to the cafe and the library to pick up my book and enjoy a comforting hot sugary beverage. I'm only at page 26 of 220 and it has been incredible so far. I swear every paragraph makes me want to journal and take notes, which is why I'm only at page 26 after a whole day of reading. Having this book has been amazingly comforting and soothing on a day when I have serious sensitive exhaustion.

The book advocates that if you're in a drudgery type job that you can't stand you have to quit before you get depressed. Would have been nice to have this book three years ago! Wow, useful self-help info that isn't all new age psych-babble and law of attraction privilege bullshit. The author describes jobs as either drudgery, craft or calling. I'm still in the drudgery section, but I anticipate the rest of the book being just as exciting as the first 26 pages.

Another useful thing that I hope they get into more is the ideas that Highly Sensitive People feel "out of sync with the prevailing cultural norms" which I have felt since I was a child. I thought I was just a freak/extraterrestrial but apparently it's not just me. This has been a serious problem, because as a child I was made to feel like a freak because I was more sensitive, introspective, thoughtful, insightful, etc. and came to hold some ideas and interests that were very different from my family and community. I had DVRed a couple of shows about the Amish from NatGeo channel because I grew up in Amish country. One of the shows had a bunch of teens from the area where I grew up and I recognized some of the places. Some of the people in the shows were obviously highly sensitive, but I don't know if it's just because they've never been exposed to large music festivals and nightclub or if they're just really that highly sensitive. They really romanticized the Amish culture and I started getting drawn into how nice it would be to live in such a supportive close knit community, have a big garden, be outside all the time, not have to rely on my appearance to get ahead in the world, less loud noise. It would be nice except that I would probably feel just as out of sync with the Amish now as I did with the non-Amish community in that area when I was growing up. Not to mention that the Amish church is a seriously scary cult and I refuse to interact with religions that use scare tactics and fear mongering.

Now the book is getting into learned helplessness, which is when animals, kids, people are taught/learn that they have no control over their situations. I never knew this thing had a name, but this has been a huge problem for me. I worked through the bulk of it when I was so desperately ill and felt like the world took a huge dump on me, but there are still lingering bits of things that make me feel tremendously helpless. I guess it's pretty common for highly sensitive folks to have learned helplessness issues because their sensitivity is so often labeled a bad thing as a child and then continues to make things difficult as adults. I'm really envious of people they grew up in supportive non-traumatic homes that came into adulthood more well adjusted to begin with. I know we all have our issues but I see a whole lot of people having a whole lot of problems with learned helplessness for reasons other than high sensitivity, such as poverty, sex, race,and such. Being told that I can't do something or that I would never be good at something was so normal as a child. Apparently learned helplessness and feeling like you have no control is a cause of depression.

It's been two whole weeks since quitting the job and I haven't taken the sleeping pills, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds at all. This is a good thing.

The other day I was rearranging magnets on the fridge and noticed that I had pinned up my depression "to do" list, a list that I found online with what to do when your depressed to get yourself out of it. That was the first time I had looked at that list in months. Probably the first time I had looked at it since I moved in here. I still get a little funk every now and then but that happens to everyone. It's just amazing what moving two blocks can do. I have so much more natural light, I have a roommate so I'm not so isolated, I have nice neighbors unlike the unwell former neighbors, I can walk more, less noise from BART even though I get more noise from Amtrak and freight trains, and I can get a puppy. As much as I enjoyed living alone and really wish I had my own bathroom I am so glad to have someone else around the house. Being able to walk places is really great too. I mostly just walk to the BART station and the little plaza and shopping area. They did a really fantastic job building a community space with the plaza at the BART station. All sorts of diverse people from the neighborhood hang out there, and sit at the cute little cafe. I need to make it a habit to walk down there a couple times a week.

And the exercise is amazing!!! This morning I woke up with terrible knee pain, but then I heard Mr. Roommate go out and I decided that going out and walking around the building was a good idea. I went and watered my garden and walked around the building in my 'jammies and it felt so good that I decided to walk down to the cafe at the BART station. I had hoped to get there an back before 10am while it was still cool out but it was already 9:50 by the time I started walking. It's about half a mile, if that. Walking down there I was fine, but it was almost 11 before I started walking back home and it almost killed me. It was just a bit too much exercise for my poor painful knees, plus sun beating down on my fair skin. When I got home I laid in bed for about an hour because I just couldn't move. It felt so good though! I can't wait to get fit enough to jog. Right now I'm having a hard time getting up the stairs to my office.

I have to rant about Wiccans for a minute here. I know there are plenty of kick ass Wiccans that are tough and make no bones about what they do, but then there are some that just should not be calling themselves Wiccans. I think a lot of the problem is the Wiccans that only know Wicca they read in a book and haven't met or worked with initiatory linegae Wiccans like the Gardnerians. Published material about Wicca is very limited when compared to what Wicca is actually about and what is actually taught in covens. Real Wiccan ethics or behavior especially! I just saw a Wiccan make vague and "spoooooky" Wiccan poetry threats of "karma" and a binding spell all the while invoking the harm none, karma and three fold law. Threatening someone with karma is just about the dumbest thing ever. It's not under human control and how does anyone know what another person's karma is anyway. Threatening someone with "you'll get what you deserve" is still a threat, and is something that law enforcement takes very seriously. And threatening a binding spell! Binding is still a curse. It is aggressive and can be harmful. I know a lot of folks believe that binding spells are ok because they're not as aggressive or harmful, but apparently they don't know what binding spells actually do. It's not a white light peace and love spell, so even if you do believe that it's ok to do that type of spell don't go fooling yourself into believing it's not a threat, aggressive action and a curse. I have no interest in discussing the ethics of magic because people need to just learn to think critically about the world and take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. If you need to do a binding spell because someone disagrees with you online then you really shouldn't be online or doing spells at all! Or calling yourself Wiccan!